Oh, The Situations I Find Myself In
by Princess Kelso
Summary: A bunch of mindless plots concerning disasters I find myself in with a certain elf, and it is certainly no joy ride…
1. And He's Back

Oh, The Situations I Find Myself In

Summary: A bunch of mindless plots concerning disasters I find myself in with a certain elf, and it is certainly no joy ride…

Rated T (as always, for my bad language)

Disclaimer: Someone else's sandbox, I just play here.

Chapter I- And He's Back

"That rhetoric paper won't write itself, Kels. Turn the tv off and get going on it," my grandmother advises as she walks through the hallway past my bedroom.

I never miss an episode of Family Guy, and the fact that it was ten thirty at night and this damn term paper on Climate Change (A/N: As in, NOT Global Warming. Whole 'nother topic you don't even wanna get me started on…) was due by nine tomorrow morning made no nevermind to my normal habit.

I'll be honest with you; there is nothing glorious about college. Even the effect that living in a dorm has on your freedom wears off after the first month (A/N: At the time our story begins, I'm currently at home and it's a Sunday night, and I usually stay at home on weekends. Oh yeah, forgot to mention, the campus is closed on Mondays…except when I have dumbass professors who make the due date on Monday mornings -.-….)

More specifically, there is nothing glorious about going to nursing school. If you're preparing for a career as an RN, then you might as well kiss your life goodbye for the next four years, 'cuz you'll be working your ass off from start to finish.

"It doesn't matter, I am so over this paper."

Grandma shrugged and started walking towards her bedroom. "Well, whatever then, don't complain when you drop a letter grade." And with that, she closed her door, and a few minutes later I hear the same insane snoring I hear coming from her room every night.

I groaned and took my glasses off. I had been sitting in front of my laptop since three this afternoon, and maybe got half of the ten required pages typed. Fuck my life. I pushed the laptop off my lap and rubbed the bridge of my nose, just when a loud crash came from the play room.

After remaining still for a few moments, I muted my tv and listened, hearing a few remote rustles coming from the direction of the crash. Quietly, I slipped out of the covers of my bed and searched my room frantically for something, anything that could be used as a weapon. My eyes fell on the trophy I had received when I won my hometown pageant last summer. This could do some damage if I let it. I crept to the doorway of the play room and looked in. With the light being off, the entire room was pitch black, along with the hallway I was standing in. However, I could just barely make out a silhouette. Unfortunately, that silhouette could make out mine, and was much faster than mine too.

I didn't even have time to blink before the trophy was knocked out of my hand and my mouth was covered. My free arm started trying to hit whatever it could behind me, and eventually made contact with a face.

"Ow!"

I was released and immediately went for the light switch, which was pretty handy considering when I turned around I had a knife to my throat. What the light revealed shocked both me and my antagonizer.

"Kelsie?"

"Um….Legolas?"

Thee elf prince quickly sheathed his knife. "How in all of Arda did you end up in my palace?"

I rolled my eyes. "Can't you ever assume that you're the one in the wrong place?"

He looked taken aback. "Certainly not. I was, afterall, asleep when I rolled out of bed and…woke up," he finally took a moment to look at his surroundings, "This isn't my bedchamber and bears a striking resemblance to your spare bedroom."

I grinned. "Glad to see we're at an agreement. Now how in the fuck did you get back here?"

He shook his head in frustration. "I haven't the slightest idea. I did just return from here a few days ago, so perhaps Gandalf's vortex was still open…"

"Um, Legs? You've been gone longer than a few days."

Legolas gazed at me thoughtfully, and then shook his head even more frustrated. "No, I am certain, today is Sunday and I left here on Wednesday."

I half-smiled. "Dude, you've been gone for a good five years." Did he not notice how different I looked? "I mean, notice anything different about me?"

He drew to his full height and scanned over me. "Indeed, much. Your teeth are no longer crooked, your eyes are greener, your hair is longer and redder, you've lost your pudge and have become lean and definitely paler. Your blemishes have cleared as well…but you're still rather small in height and looking at you from the side you appear to have a large nose."

I blinked at him a few times without saying anything.

"Have I offended you?", he asked in a low murmur.

"No, I just can't believe you got all that out in one breath."

Legolas smiled smugly and started walking out of the room towards my room. "Surely it hasn't really been five years."

I followed him, and the thought passed through my head about how more interesting this was than writing my paper. "No joke. You've missed a lot, son."

Upon entering my room, he took it upon himself to inspect everything, either to see how drastic of a change five years had been or just to be a nosy prat. "How old are you?", he asked as he examined the treadmill Grandma had bought me for my 18th birthday. "And what in the name of Ulmo is this contraption?"

I sat on the edge of my bed and watched him as he continued his crusade. "Well, do the math. Last time you were here I had just turned fourteen. I had my 19th birthday last month. And that's a treadmill, which has given me my 'lean' as you called it."

He looked me up and down before deciding to take my word for it, and then moved onto my closet and opened its folding doors. "You said I have missed a lot. Fill me in, then."

I shrugged and pulled my laptop next to me. "It's not that simple. Five years is hard to catch someone up on, especially a someone not from here."

Even though his back was to me I saw him roll his eyes. "Just give me some briefs."

I sighed and shoved the laptop away, this time completely giving up on the assignment. Like I even stand a chance of finishing it with him here anyways. "Ooookay. Well, right after you left I started my freshman year of high school, which I'll explain some other time. Not much really happened, except I was still stuck on that damn boy…you remember him, don't you?"

He turned to face me and smirked. "That Jordan Beef boy?"

I giggled. He never got Jordan's last name right. "Jordan _Bacon._"

He shrugged. "I was close enough."

"It's not even from the same animal."

He threw his arms up in resignation and resumed his search through the vast netherworld that was my closet. "Continue!"

"Ugh fine. Anyways, nothing really happened for a while after that. Sophomore year I dated a guy that Heather knew, you remember her surely, and ended up having to get a restraining order…that's a court order you get to protect you from someone."

His head whipped back around. "Protection? Whatever for?"

I proceeded cautiously. The last thing I needed him thinking was that I need a personal bodyguard. "I broke up with him…so he threatened to kill me. And I haven't heard from him since, so it's all good."

The Elf Wonder stared at me intently until he was content I was telling the truth. He closed the doors to the mass void of clothes and moved to my three bookcases. He nodded his head in my direction, a sign to continue.

"So…a little after that I somehow became intelligent. I dunno any other way to explain it except that I just got smart…like…book smart. And I gave up on dating for almost a year. Spanky went off to college, leaving me here with the grandparents unfortunately, but my sudden interest in reading helped me through it. That year, my Junior year, I went to Europe for a few weeks, and then got into another relationship…"

With my pause Legolas gave me the famous Thranduil eyebrow. "And?"

"It was the biggest mistake I've made yet. I ended that one almost two years ago and he still won't leave me alone."

If I coulda kicked myself I would have. Fuck.

"Who and where is he?", Legolas began stepping towards me, the trained assassin in him shining through. Maybe I need to take his weapons away from him…

"Dude, take it down a few levels, you've got the whole house rattling. Anyway, yes, Brian was a huge fail. But towards the end of my relationship with him, when I was miserable and afraid to do anything about it, I became friends with Nick. We fell in love, and he got me away from Brian."

The blonde elf mirrored the smile on my face. "Indeed, a happy ending to a most ridiculous tale."

I furrowed my eyebrows at him. Ridiculous wasn't exactly the word I'd use. "But then Nick left for the air force. That's a branch in our military. So now, we're just friends."

The smile faded from his face as he ran his fingers across a row of books at eye level. "So tell me the name of your current victim."

"There isn't one."

The smile returned to his face and he chuckled. "'Tis for the best, you know. Human males are impossible to understand."

I snorted in an unfeminine manner. "I've grasped the concept of you going through a vortex more than I have understood why guys act the way they do."

He slapped the side of the bookcase and came over to sit next to me. "Surely you have more to tell." He was so light I barely felt him sit down on the bed, and it slightly unnerved me.

"There's a little more. I'm in college now, studying to be a nurse, and that pretty much takes up my life. I'm going to be in my county pageant next month, which I will force you to sit through if you're still here. Honestly, anything else that happened is just gonna be explained at random, because so much has happened that I can't even remember it all. Now it's your turn, Elf Boy."

He shrugged and looked like a kid who forgot it was Show-and-Tell day. "I've only been away for five days. So really, nothing of importance has happened to me."

"Good point."

"Indeed. Well, if you would be so kind as to offer your accommodations for me once more, I would gladly accept them."

"Chyeah. 'Cuz you have no other place to go, dumbass."

He smirked and gave my shoulder a light nudge. "Like you would pass up an opportunity to spend time with your favorite Lord of the Rings character."

"Eh. You've proven to be a complete nightmare in the past. Who knows what madness will ensue this time."


	2. A Day Well Spent

Oh, The Situations I Find Myself In

Disclaimer- Do I really need to go through this again? I'd love to see someone claim Lord of the Rings as their own work…with the exception of Tolkien of course.

(A/N) As a reminder, each chapter has a different plot and doesn't especially follow the events of the previous chapter. I like to keep things spontaneous lol.

Chapter 2- A Day Well-Spent

Ever college student, well, anyone for that matter, looks forward to Saturday morning. Rather, the wasting of a Saturday morning in bed. I was no exception. However, a quiet Saturday morning when there's an elf prince in the house, an idiot elf prince, isn't usually a peaceful one. So, on this particular Saturday morning, the quiet is what wakes me up and has me suspicious.

I sit straight up in bed and listen. Dead silence. No sound of the grandparents arguing is heard, nor the sound of a certain elf talking back to the tv screen.

Something is wrong.

I rolled off the side of the bed and pulled on a hoodie. The house was freezing and I was surprised I hadn't gotten up in the night to change out of my gym shorts. As I walked through the hall I examined the play room, with little success.

My first thought was that Legolas had fallen back through Gandalf's vortex and was back in Middle Earth, finally putting me out of my misery. That didn't mean he wouldn't be back, though. We had come to the conclusion a few nights ago that the vortex pretty much had a 24-hour drive thru, making travel between here and Middle Earth possible whenever we felt like it. I hadn't gone through it yet. I had homework coming out the ass, and even though most rabid fangirls don't agree with me but nursing homework comes first before prancing around with elf princes through an enchanted forest. Yes, I said prancing, because as we all know, that's what the PRANCE of Mirkwood does.

The living room and kitchen were empty, and then I remembered my grandparents mentioning they were going to Quincy, a city about two hours away, to visit my great grandpa at the veteran's home. Normally the journey over there and back took a full day to devote to it, so I didn't expect them back anytime soon. That meant some peace before starting in on my final draft for Rhetoric….

As I walked in front of the living room window on my way back to my room, I saw something that would either leave a fangirl bawling, or dying from laughter. In a flash, I saw Legolas propel himself gracefully up my tree, without even needing to stop and steady himself on the branches. His reasoning? Normally I'd pass it off as some dumb elf and nature thing, but actually he was being chased by my neighbor's dog, Muffin- a yappy little Maltese. I almost rolled out the front door laughing as I went to his aid. Once Muffin saw me, she snarled and started running in my direction, until I started making all sorts of Indian noises at her. All that managed to do was stop her in her tracks, and make her scurry back to the base of the tree to her original target. I walked over and looked up.

"Morning puter, you're looking dapper this morning," I greeted him, putting my hands on my hips.

His face darkened. Apparently, he wasn't enjoying this as much as I was. "Send that beast back to the pit that spawned it."

I looked down at Muffin, who was clawing at the tree. I could drop- kick this thing over my neighbor's back fence if I really wanted to. "Her bark is much worse than her bite, she's just a widdle doggy. And besides, my neighbors are dicks. If I so much as touch that dog I'll get County called on me."

Not that he had any idea who County was. "You must do something. I'm unarmed and unequipped on how to handle….doggies."

"Can I please record you saying doggies, exactly the way you just said it?" I asked, my hands leaving my hips to cover my mouth.

"Just do something, Mortal!"

"You do something! Just come down! You can easily over power this fuzz ball. Hell, I'll even let you kick her around and we can keep it our own little secret!"

"I was going to come down a minute ago…"

"But?"

"I'm caught on something. My right legging is snagged."

"Um, since when do elves get their leggings snagged?"

"Filthy human, it's not like we're made of stone, don't be so presumptuous. Can't you make yourself useful? Find a ladder, climb up and help me relieve myself of this humiliating position."

I sighed and stomped into my garage. I grabbed the lighter of the two ladders we have, the one that you just lean up against the tree, and hauled it outside. I positioned it against the tree and was about to mount it. Then everything stopped being funny, and the Elf Wonder noticed the smirk leave my face.

"Well, what is it?" he irritatedly.

I blinked a few times and felt my throat go dry. "Imafraidofheights," I barely choked out.

"What?" he asked harshly, even though he of course heard what I had said.

"I'm afraid of heights!"

"I heard you the first time! But why?"

"I dunno! No real reason I guess…but this tree isn't exactly tiny…"

He rolled his eyes and then narrowed them at me. "Just get up here, Kelsie."

I wiped cold sweat off my forehead, then scurried as fast as I could up the ladder, not looking down until I had positioned myself to the right of His Royal Pansy-Ass. "Where are you snagged at?"

He had been looking away from me until I spoke, then cocked his head slightly in my direction and began snickering.

"Um…in an inappropriate place?"

He snickered even harder and shook his head. "I'm not stuck, you idiot. I just got you up here to do this to you…"

Before I had time to realize what was happening, he had kicked the ladder and it fell flat against the ground. Meaning it was no longer against the tree. Meaning I was no stuck in the tree. With Legolas Greenleaf. The ladder's fall startled Muffin and her tiny legs made their way as fast as they could back across the street.

"I fucking hate you," was all I could manage to say.

His eyes lit up and he grinned mischievously. "I had to do something. Your laughter at my situation was entirely inappropriate, so consider this your punishment."

I'm sure you're all wondering why it would be sooooo awful to be stuck up a tree with a handsome elf. Here's a few damn good reasons; 1.) You don't know him like I do. He's like a virus with sick archery skills. 2.) I had more homework than I could finish in just a few hours time, and this little escapade would set me back Lord knows how long. 3.) Being stuck in this tree meant I had to suffer his questioning. The kind of questioning the obnoxious four-year old kid at play group always hounds the adults with. Granted, he had been away for a while, Earth-time reckoning, but he never stopped with the questions!

"While we're up here, my darling Kelso, we might as well chat. What does 'puter' and 'dapper' mean, by the way?"

"Say what?"

He turned his body to face me and rested his back against the trunk of the tree. One leg dangled off the branch supporting us while he had the other bent, resting his hand on its knee. He started biting the finger nails on his other hand. "You called me puter, then told me I looked dapper. Compliment or insult?"

I shrugged and looked at his relaxed form. So the asshole of the group gets the comfy spot on the branch? I already felt a dull ache in my lower back. "It's just something funny to say. My friend Colin used to say it to me when I worked at Hamilton's Catering and came in to work early in the morning looking exhausted."

"You work?"

I raised an eyebrow. "What's that supposed to mean?"

He saw I had taken offense and stopped biting his nails for a minute to hold his hand out to me. "I meant no insult by it. Last I was here you didn't, and quite frankly it's a bit unheard of back home."

He had a point I guess. "Makes sense," I offered as he settled back to nibbling on his nails. Orlando Bloom bites his, a habit he picked up after he stopped smoking, so what was Legolas' excuse? "But yeah. I don't work there anymore. During the school year, I work on campus at the Alumni Office."

He seemed to have lost interest and was staring intently at my face. "What?" I asked irritably.

"Why are you wearing that thing over your eyes?"

It took a moment me to realize what he was referring to. "Oh, my glasses?" I took them off and handed them to him. "I strain too much and get headaches, so my eye doctor prescribed these to me. I pretty much have to wear them indefinitely though, which kinda sucks."

After examining them curiously he handed them back to me carefully, and I placed them back on my face. They are the square, thick black rimmed ones that are in style anymore. That's not why I got them. My grandfather actually picked them out, for their durability. "They suit you," he stated after another moment of scrutiny.

Did he just compliment me? "Um, thanks. I like to think so too."

There was a pause during which we both found the space to the side of us interesting. "So….how is things in Middle Earth?"

He nodded assuredly. "Fairing well, I suppose. As well as things can be whilst trying to repair nations at a time after a world war. I'm actually planning to take a colony of my kin to Ithilien. It is my hope to rebuild there, and perhaps move the people of Mirkwood there permanently….but you already knew that I supposed…"

I smiled like a caught child. "The appendixes were the best part of the books, in my opinion."

He nodded and returned my smile. He had refused to read the books when I had offered them to him, but he knew what I was talking about at least. I don't blame him. None of us know, nor want to know, how our stories will end, and en elf prince from a parallel universe isn't much different…well, he is…but you get my point.

"Father is against it. He says it's throwing away thousands of years of heritage. He has a point. But then again, he's never done much exploring in his time and hasn't mingled with other races as much as I have."

"That could pose a problem then, moving some elves so close to Gondor and all."

He nodded in affirmation, glad to see someone was agreeing with him for once. I hope he didn't think it would become a habit with me. "Which is enough of a reason to move them there. They'll overtake the maps, the humans will. The sooner the lines of Sindarin and Noldorin and all the others can immerse with the culture of men, the better."

This time, I couldn't agree with him. No, I wasn't doing it to be a bitch. "There I have to disagree, my pointy-eared friend."

He cocked his head to the side and gave me the infamous Thranduil eyebrow. "Explain."

"W-well", I stammered, "You know me, I'm not much for conformity. "Just because another barbeque has more people at it, doesn't mean you have to jump the fence and go over. What's wrong with staying in Mirkwood and just being the perfect little immortals that you are, or if you're so adamant on setting up base camp in Ithilien, what's wrong with just doing your elf thing there and not giving a damn what the humans say?"

He stared at me contemplatively. "Why should I care what this little human says?"

I raised both my eyebrows and huffed. "Because I'm not as stupid as you think I am. I'm just trying to be a good friend, Jesus. I'll just stop talking and we can sit up here in silence until my grandparents come home and get me down."

"I want you to do something for me." He probably hadn't paid any attention to my previous monologue.

"Shut up? Shutting up, Your Royal Buttface."

He rolled his eyes and slapped me lightly on the arm. "I have a favor to ask of you, you little wench. Shall I continue?"

Even if I had said no he would have gone on anways.

"Would you consider coming back to Elven Halls with me sometime, and help me convince my father that this idea of mine is beneficial?"

…..did Legolas seriously just ask me to help him….with something as huge as his exodus to Ithilien? "Um…sure, I guess I could do that. We'd have to pick a weekend when I'm not loaded down with studying, or when we're not stuck up a tree."

That heart-melting smile of his that every fangirl dreams about crept over his features. I about died, then reminded myself that if it weren't for his dumbass, I wouldn't be falling further behind on my homework. "I'm guessing you're not taking me because you like me or anything, right?"

He brushed a stray hair out of my face and chuckled. "You can be persuasive when you have the ambition to me. But other than that, I have no reason."

I ticked my tongue. "And here I thought we were best friends forever, Legaloaf."

His dimples remained on his face. "You expect to call a mortal wench who insists on insulting me with the foulest of names in the most unlady-like manor my friend? I'm more complicated than that."

"No you're not. You might be immortal, but you're just as shallow as the rest of us, so don't kid yourself."

He rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm beginning to regret knocking that ladder down. I was expecting you to be less annoying."

"Karma, son. I regretted you kicking the ladder down as soon as you did it. My back isn't used to supporting me in this position." I winced as I tried repositioning myself.

"You can lean back against me if you like. I assume you showered last night?"

Well, at least half of what he said was nice. I punched his stomach and took him up on his offer, carefully backing up against the spot on him I had just served with my fist. "Don't worry about if I showered or not. As it happens, I did, and I would have showered again this morning if it weren't for you being an asshat."

"A what?" he asked appalled as he rested his now nail-free hand on my stomach, his arm keeping me steadied on the branch.

"Ugh, nevermind. Just me being an unlady-like wench. After he meets me, I have a feeling your daddy is gonna ban you from using Gandalf's vortex again."

I felt him lift his other hand, most likely to dispose of the nails on that one too. It kinda bugged me. "Any particular reason you destroy your nails, Elfy?"

"Don't call me that. And yes, actually. It's more of a nervous tick than anything, but let's keep that between ourselves, eh?"

"Whatever. Nervous tick because of what? Maltese can't climb trees. You've been here long enough to realize that."

I couldn't see him but I'll bet my life he rolled his eyes. "It is true, I've been here for a while. But I've been trained not to let my guard down. My equilibrium has been thrown off a bit by the parallel universe switching, and let's just say it has me alert."

"Ah, the whole trained assassin thing. I've known prison guards with that problem."

"Honestly, being up in this tree has left me feeling the most secure I've felt being here."

I smirked and turned my face in his direction. "Because you've got me blocking you from any possible attack, or because you can see everything in the vicinity from up here."

He pretended to think for a moment. "Both," he replied seriously, then laughed and tousled my hair. "Are you comfortable?"

Can I reply back saying I'm literally screaming on the inside at having physically contact with him? Nah, too marysue, maybe later. "As comfortable as I can be. I thought about just shoving you out of the tree and taking your spot."

"Don't think for a moment that you wouldn't come down with me."

"Eh, at least I'd be out of the tree at that point, even if my neck was snapped."

He grinned and closed his eyes, resting his head fully against the tree. "I'd try to break your fall, but no promises. I'm not exactly fond of you."

"Oh I know. I'd never assume any different."

His grin widened. "But seriously, you seem rigid. If we are to be up here all day, the last thing I need is your grandparents believing it's my fault you have a knotted back."

"Although if they did they'd be dead on. Dude, if I go dead weight, I'll crush your chest and you won't be able to breathe."

He took my shoulders and gently pressed up farther back against him. "It's not as if you have much to weigh you down up there, or anywhere for that matter. Do you ever eat?"

Did he just make a mean-ass comment about my flat chest? I slapped his thigh, which caused him to boom with laughter and rub it. "And yes, I do eat. I eat like a man. I just have good genes."

"I see," he added quietly as I yawned, "it's sleep that you don't get much of."

"Such is the life of a college student. You're right, I'm pretty beat. It's not even noon and I'm already exhausted. I owe you thanks for that."

He smiled smugly over my shoulder. "Then I shall make amends and allow you to nap in the mean time until we're delivered from our present predicament. To be honest, I could do with one as well. I went home last night."

"Really? Why?"

"My father needed me to take over an officer's patrol duty. His wife went into labor, and with all the spider and orc attacks lately, we've been keeping our borders tightly guarded, and there was no one else who could fill in."

"See, you can be a good man sometimes."

"I am a very good man. I just don't have to be to you."

After a few moments of sitting in silence, I felt his breathing slow. I shook my head and relaxed deeper into his chest, thinking he was already for the most part in some elf dreamland. I was startled when his left arm wrapped around my waist. In response, I put my right one over it. I felt him smile against the top of my head. "Just remember, if I go down, so do you, so not funny business, Huffman."

I tried to retort a reply when I was overcome with a series of yawns, and I drifted off, thinking of all the things Muffin could have done to him had she been able to climb the tree.

I woke up when a bird landed on the branch opposite of us and cussed us out in bird language. Checking my phone, which was miraculously still in my lap, I was glad to see three hours had passed since I had fallen asleep. Legolas' other arm was laying on my thigh, and I felt his face limp against the back of my head. He was out cold, and I knew I shouldn't wake him, but if we didn't get some distance between each other I was going to explode.

"Legolas."

No response.

"Legolas", I said a little more forcefully, this time nudging his torso with my elbow.

When I still got no response, I grabbed his hand and prepared to dig my nails into its palm.

"GREENLEAF! WAKE UP, PUTER!"

I sunk my nails in, and moments later, a very confused and pissed off elf prince emerged from his slumber. And he was pissed. "What in the name of Sweet Eru!..." he grabbed my wrist and held it firmly against my thigh. "Are you mad? I could have broken your arm in so many different positions you'd be better off having it amputated!"

"Maybe, maybe not. You'll be happy to know we napped for a whopping three hours."

He didn't respond, so I assumed he was still upset with me for having woke him the way I did. It made me laugh, so I dunno what crawled up his ass. "Jesus, I just won't wake you up from now on, okay?"

He scowled and shook my shoulder. "It has nothing to do with the fact you woke me up. It has to do with HOW you woke me up. Next time, I'd recommend keeping a few feet between us and…I dunno…"

"Throw something at you?"

"That is the only time I'll permit you to throw something, a something that won't bludgeon me, at me, without me coming after you. Fair?"

"Fair. I have more good news."

"What would that be?"

"I can see my grandma's Envoy down the street."

Moments later, Beverlee pulled her precious white Envoy into the drive, and by the looks on their faces, I'd say both Bev and Gary had had a not so desirable day. Poor old people.

"Is great-gramps going as mad as we expected him to?"

My grandparents looked at each other, thinking it was one of them that had asked it. So I then repeated my question, and my grandfather caught movement in the tree as I slide away from the elf. If they happened to see the way we had been positioned, I think we all know how any old-timer would react. Grandpa looked back and forth between me and the ladder. Finally, making the connection, his 6'4, 300 pound frame stomped through the grass and over to the base of our tree. "I'll be a son-of-a-bitch, Kelsie, how in the Hell did you manage this one?"

His mouth has always been atrocious. "As much as I'd love to blame our guest for this one, I'm afraid you'll scare the piss out of him. I heard the elf in question scoff behind me, but he wasn't fooling anyone. Any male would be stupid not to be at least a little nervous around my grandfather.

Grandpa shook his head and turned his gaze to a now cowering Legolas. "I'm gonna assume this is all an accident?"

All Legolas could do was nod in return. Smart man.

My grandpa continued to shake his head as he placed the ladder against the trunk of the tree. Legolas made to climb down first, but I shoved him out of the way. "You're going to hold the top of the ladder so I can climb down."

His eyes darkened at me and I grinned angelically. He gave me a wave of his hand and I made my way slowly down the ladder. I noticed it jiggle a few times and I clung on for dear life, making note of the chuckling I heard from within the tree branches above. My grandfather eyed me with an annoyed look has I made contact with the ground, and the same look was given to the elf, which he shrunk away from. I cackled evilly to myself.

"You better be glad he didn't cut your balls off."

"I beg your pardon!"

My grandpa finished putting the ladder back. "Ya know, it's shit like this that makes me wonder if you have a lick of sense!" My grandfather boomed at me from the garage. I waved him off and watched Legolas face pale.

"Does he always speak to you in that manner?" he asked quietly.

"You don't have to whisper, he's hearing is awful. But yes, I don't think he knows how to say a sentence without a swear word."

He nodded his head and looked at me sympathetically. A look I hate getting from people. "Please don't look at me like that, it's not as if it hurts me or anything. I've learned to ignore it."

His face didn't falter, so I walked away from him and back inside. "Where are you going?" he called after me.

I sighed and turned around, not stopping. "Have you not paid any attention to my bitching today? I have HOMEWORK."

A grin twitched on his face as he ran up to my side. 'The least I can do is assist you. I have been a terrible nuisance this morning, haven't I?"

"Do you know anything about the symptoms of rubella or how to administer a series of MMR vaccinations?"

He looked at me like I had just transformed into Saruman. "N-nnooo?"

I laughed and patted him on the back. Poor rookie. "Well, maybe I'll have you type up my IOCC paper then."

He seemed a bit more assured of himself with that task. "Excellent, what shall I write?"

I shrugged and opened the door to the house. "Just a 5-page summary of the first book in the Koran. Nothing too strenuous I hope?"

Legolas looked like he was about to get sick on my shoe. "Perhaps I'll just watch you and keep you company."


	3. Of Rolands and Igawnas

Have to say, loving the traffic I'm getting with this story! Not too many reviews but I have no room to talk, I'm really bad at remembering to review :/ I know this is only the third chapter, but is it coming along at least okay? I've always wondered what it would be like to have Legolas as kinda a tag-along in my daily life, and since obviously that can't happen this fanfic is the closest I can get to it lol. I hope I'm providing you with entertainment through this, and I really hope my writing isn't that horrid lol.

Anyways, I'm going to stop talking now, but if you're anything like me you've already scrolled down through this to the story XD. Shoopdawhoop!

Chapter 3- Of Rolands and Igawnas

"IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! SWEET JACK SPARROW'S KNICKERS, IT'S HERE!"

The startled UPS man, "Kent", as it read on his name tag, was indeed startled to say the least at my outburst. It probably didn't help that I hugged his face either. It's okay. He wasn't one of those grody delivery men. He shoved the rectangular box into my arms and started walking away from the front door.

"Hey, do I need to sign something?" I called after him as I shredded the tape off the box with my nails.

"No", was his curt reply as he climbed into that big turd-colored truck of his and sped off into the sunset. Well not really. It was only eleven in the morning.

I cackled through grinted teeth as I hauled my prize into the kitchen, slamming it down on the counter top next to my favorite immortal being in the whole world (next to Jesus), who stared at me wide-eyed as if I were demented. Legolas pressed his tongue to his cheek as he watched me continue tearing into the box, and then shoved another French toast stick into his mouth.

"Surely you didn't order a dead baby...it wouldn't surprise me in the least if there were such a manufacturer somewhere in your world."

"There is. His name is Scott Peterson."

He stopped chewing for a moment and frowned, and then started again after taking a swig of chocolate milk. "What's in the box?"

No sooner had he asked I had pulled out a case, a violin case to be exact. "This, Patsy, is Spanky's birthday gift to me. Even though it's about two months late." Spanky is my older brother, living in Middlebury, Vermont, which he claims was a stupid move on his part since he's practically living within walking distance of ¾ of the family.

I hurriedly unzipped the case to expose a natural colored violin. I stood gawking at it. I adored this instrument and pretty much anyone who could handle one with ease, and to do so was on my bucket list. Legolas didn't share in my enthusiasm.

"And what exactly did he gift to you?"

My jaw dropped. Surely, they had _something_ that looked even remotely familiar to the violin in Middle Earth? "Um, just the greatest musical instrument God put on this green earth?"

He shrugged his broad shoulders. "Like I knew. Let's hear you play something, Miss Know-It-All."

Now it was time for me to look dumb. "Idunnohow."

Legolas stood up and took his now empty plate to the dishwasher, one of many appliances in the house he was slowly learning how to operate. "I do hope you realize even when you mumble and slur your sentences, I understand every word. It's a habit you really should consider expelling."

I bit my tongue, biting back an insult that was brewing.

He leaned against the counter and crossed his arms over his chest. "If you can't play it, why did he send you one?"

I had heard this before, even if it wasn't from him. _Why take riding lessons if you don't own a horse? Why take piano lessons when we can't get a piano through the front door? Why write fanfiction if it's never going to get published?_

"Because I want to learn how to play it. You have to start somewhere. And Spanky's been the only one to really support me with it, and since I'm a broke college student, he bought it for me."

Legolas scoffed and then laughed. "Broke college student? You're family is considered upper middle class. You can't be too broke."

"Legaloaf, the money that is mine comes from a dad that thinks he can pay me to stay away and a dead mom. It's reserved for college tuition and emergencies only…which the time I went to Europe was an emergency, so yes it does count."

He gave me a knowing look and nodded. "Why was going to Europe urgent?"

I gave him a sheepish grin. "It was a class trip…but getting out of the United States did wonders. And if I have money left over after I'm out of school, I'm going back over, and not coming back."

Before he could question me relentlessly on me being unpatriotic, Gramma walked in, with one of the daycare kids "attached to her apron strings". "Will you do something for me?", then she noticed the violin case, "Where the hell did that come from?"

"Spanky," I answered shortly, "Now what can I do for you?"

"Can you and Legolas watch the kids until about one-thirty? This is the only time Kim can do my hair, and if I go one more day with it looking this way I'll scream." I didn't see how her hair looked any different than usual. Still cut short and colored brown to cover up the sixty-seven years of stress. Kim, my aunt and Gramma's daughter, is a cosmetologist and therefore the hair dresser of the family. Her shop is located in East Jesus Nowhere, pretty much fifteen minutes from any town. It's amazing she gets the amount of customers that she does.

"I had actually planned to take our honored guest into Springfield and get him some clothes." If he had been walking around my house for the past few days naked, I would have told you ALL about it. I had just been washing and rewashing his tunics and leggings, which confused the daycare kid's parents to no end every time they saw him.

"Take him tomorrow, it's Saturday."

"I have my final fitting for my pageant gown tomorrow, then practice." Morgan County Queen Pageant was approximately four days away. I didn't get on the ball with finding a gown, because to be honest, I was only doing the county pageant because as my hometown queen, it was a requirement. Something I had not known when I originally accepted my aunt's dare to do it. And then I won the damn thing.

Gramma groaned. "Just take him another day, two more days won't kill him." Well how's that for being rude?

"Fine, whatever. Just don't dilly-dally." In an instant she had grabbed her keys and was out the door, leaving Jordan, the kid who was her little shadow, on the floor crying.

Legolas looked at me apprehensively. "Kels, I've never really been around…children…"

I picked up Jordan and grabbed him a Kleenex. For a four-year old, he was a little guy, and was still carried around a lot. "I have, so just follow my lead. They're just kids, they're easily amused. Show them your ears or something…"

His relaxed body froze. "You know as well as I do that an elf's ears are only touched…"

"During mating, I know," I cut him off, "You don't have to let them touch them. Just let them see them. That'll be enough to have them entranced by you."

"Are you entranced by me?" he asked with an amused smile.

I snorted and put Jordan down since he had stopped crying. "I'm not gonna lie, Lego, every time I watched those movies and you came on screen, my heart fluttered, and I remember thinking to myself _'Damn he is handsome. I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers.'_ But now that I've met you and you've become such a huge part of my life, I'd love nothing more than to knock you upside the head with my grandpa's size sixteen shoe." As I finished I burst out laughing, and even Legolas couldn't help but laugh with me.

"Wait, eating crackers?" he questioned, his brow furrowing a little as his laughter died. Mine did too. Way to ruin a freaking joke.

"Just forget it. You do realize Nathan has been hiding behind the pantry door watching you the entire time you've been eating breakfast, right?"

We both turned our heads simultaneously at the closet in question, where we both sensed a chubby four-year old red head was peering at us with his bright blue eyes. (A/N There is such a kid like this at my grandma's daycare, and everything I write about him is accurate, lol).

Legolas looked at the door nervously and then leaned towards me. "That child is the oddest I've met."

"You don't need to whisper, he's only four. What makes you say that?"

"He approached me earlier after I had awoken and asked me if I had ever petted a dingo. I don't even know what a dingo is! He then proceeded to tell me how his walrus named Roland bit him. What's a walrus? Why does he have one if it bites him?"

The elf prince was frantic at this point and had a hold of me by my shoulders. I carefully disengaged myself from his grasp. "Because you're not from here, I'm going to accept your ignorance as…well, ignorance, instead of you just being plain gullible and stupid." I walked over to the pantry and threw the door open, in which Nathan greeted me with a cheesy smile, which I returned out of habit. I had developed the ability to be on the same level with the kids while they were in the house, which upset Gramma since she won't admit that she lost her touch with them years ago. "Nathan likes to talk about whatever happens to be on his mind. A dingo is a member of the canine family, something our little buddy was probably just recently introduced to, so he was making an attempt to reach out to you and gather information about this animal. And as for his walrus, it isn't real; it's a stuffed toy he carries around with him. A walrus is an animal that lives half on land, half in the sea, and has large tusks. He named it Roland because he names everything Roland. Any questions thus far?"

Legolas shook his head and took the last drink of his chocolate milk, never taking his eyes off the ginger kid. After a few minutes of scrutiny, he managed to take his eyes off him. "I bet his temper matches his hair color, doesn't it?" he smirked.

I returned his smirk and rustled what I could of Nathan's buzz cut. "He's got that Irish blood in him."

"Are you this…Irish…as well?"

"I'm as Irish as leprechauns and fried potatoes." Like he knew what either was. He just nodded his head and took my word for it I suppose. "Why do you ask? Looking for an explanation for my bad temper?"

He shrugged and gave me a half smile. "Place the blame where you want, but your disposition is none but your own. You and Nathan here have a similar skin color, and I see reddish tints in your hair, granted nothing compared to the fire on top of this child's head."

Nathan looked at Legolas quizzically and flared his nostrils. "My head's not on fire!" he stated as he slapped the crown of his head a little harder than necessary. Figuratively speaking it was, and I envied Nathan to no end. Everyone in my family, with the exception of my grandparents and their family, since my mom was adopted, had flaming red hair. Dad was a ging, Mom was a ging, and my half-brother Jacob was a ging. Spanky, however, had jet black hair like his father. But guess who still wasn't a ging? I don't wanna talk about it….

Before I let my thoughts get further away from me, Carson, the youngest at the daycare, walked in shyly and tugged on my jeans. I looked down at her, only to find her staring intently at Legolas. She was probably still wondering why the guy on my laptop screen was standing in my kitchen. "What's up, Sweety?"

"I dotta doe potty," she replied in a whisper, not wanting Legolas to hear her secret, which he heard anyways no doubt. His face broke out into that adorable grin as he gazed at the two-year old.

"Mk, let's go. Legolas, I would ask you to join us just so you get some experience, but you understand…" I grabbed Carson's hand as Legolas went beat red and gestured me to get out of the kitchen.

_**Legolas' POV**_

Nathan had placed himself cross-legged on the floor, so in an attempt to get down to 'his level' as Kelsie put it, I mimicked him. We ended up having a stare-off for approximately 24 seconds, which he lost when he started talking. "Are you from those movies?"

I grinned and pulled my knees up to my chest. "Yes, I am. I think I've met you before."

Nathan shook his head. "My birfday's coming. I'm gonna be five." He held up only three fingers, which I couldn't help but chuckle at. I didn't want him to get frustrated, so I didn't bother to show him the correct amount to hold up.

"I was here a loooong time ago. You and Jordan were just babies…I think one of you vomited on me, though I don't remember which one."

Nathan giggled loudly. "That's so gross."

This child wasn't too bad. In fact, talking to him didn't seem as daunting as I thought it would be. He's an innocent; he trusts anyone and anything as of right now. It's a shame it won't last long. "So what do you like to do Nathan?"

The boy's lips twitched as he thought for a moment. "I like to go swimming. We gots a brand new pool in my back yard. It's so big!" he gestured with his arms maybe two feet. "My igawna likes to sit on the side and watch me swim." I asked Kelsie later what an igawna was, and she said that an 'Iguana' is a rather large lizard, but in Nathan's case it was a stuffed animal his mother didn't allow him to take into the water. His lack of proper speech was almost adorable.

"Do you like twees?"

Twees? Ahh, trees, he's referring to I believe. "Yes I do. Do you?"

He didn't answer but responded with "I thought so. I saw you and Kelsie up in a twee a few days ago. Was yous buildin a twee house?"

Biting my lip didn't keep a booming laugh from escaping my mouth. I abruptly silenced myself when I saw Nathan's face was as serious as I've seen a child's. He really wanted to know if were building a 'twee house'. But how had he seen us up there? "How did you know we were up there, little one?"

"I live that way", he pointed his chubby index finger east, "and I'm not little! I'm gonna get bigger!" Indeed, there was a taste of that temper I spoke of earlier.

"You certainly will! You'll make a fine man someday." I assured him.

"Yeah," was his only reply, and with that we sat in a sort of silence, until he was invited by Jordan to go watch the television. Kelsie re-entered the room.

"You scare Nathan off?"

I looked up at her from my spot on the floor and grinned, resting my chin on my arms. "Not exactly. He was quite amusing to talk to."

She returned my grin and took a seat next to me on the floor, mirroring my position. "I'd hope so. He talks enough about you."

"Really?"

"Hell yeah. He's watched the movies. All the kids have. That's why they're in such awe of you. You're pretty much their hero."

A hero? Of course, I had received much admiration and gratification for my part in destroying the One Ring, which truly was nothing compared to the deeds amongst the other members of the fellowship. But never had I been told that children considered me a hero. And to be frank, the more I think about it…the more I decide it means a great deal to me that they do. "I wasn't aware of that. Had I been, I wouldn't have been so stand-offish to them." I genuinely felt disappointed in myself.

She wasn't much for comforting people, but I imagine she could see my frustration. Kelsie patted my arm gingerly and gave me a reassuring smile. "They're kids. They have a three second rebound rate, then they're back to doing their kid thing. I'm sure you could make it up to them."

Could I? "Tell me how."

"Well, I'd say you and Nathan are good. Good luck getting Carson to be comfortable with you. If a stranger so much as looks at her she usually bursts into tears. Go up to Cooper, Carson's older brother, and just start talking to him about some of the less gruesome points of a battle. He loves anything that involves people getting shot or beaten up. Shelby, well…I hate to say it, but let her play with your hair, maybe style it a little bit. It'll look ridiculous when she's done, but just go with it and tell her what an excellent job she did. As for Jordan, just ask him for hugs. He likes to cuddle."

All I could do was take in what she said and look at her thoughtfully. "You do intend on having children of your own one day, don't you?" Had I seriously just asked such a bold question? And to a woman, no less!

Her eyes went wide and she shook her head, though seemed not at all taken aback at my rather personal question. "Noooo. I'd be banging their heads together at the end of the day."

She was smiling, so I knew she wasn't serious. Surely, someone who understood children as well as she did had hopes of one day having her own? There must have been more to it than she was exposing…

"Welp, Legaloaf, you need to do some bonding, or else these knot-heads are going to keep gawking at you."

I came out of my thoughts and nodded in agreement. I stood help and helped Kelsie to her feet, and started making my way down the hall. I halted when I didn't hear her following me?"

"Aren't you coming?" I turned around and asked, "I'll be too uncomfortable taking them all on in one room by myself."

She laughed and I turned around and begun walking once I heard her catch up to me, hiding a smile that had crept over my face.

By the time Beverlee had gotten home from getting her hair done, which looked no different than it had when she had left the house this morning, I had experienced everything between Cooper confiding in me how he couldn't wait to get older and get into a bar fight and having my hair down in nearly twenty disastrous 'pig tails' by Shelby. Praise the Valar for nap time. Jordan insisted he get a hug before he curled up on his toddler bed, and Nathan was adamant that Roland needed a kiss before he could go to sleep. Carson still didn't want much to do with me, but she waved at me from her crib as I turned off the light to the play room. I waved back and smiled, and was still smiling as I entered the living room.

It went unnoticed by Kelsie. "I think you're starting to like them, Lego." She was sitting in the recliner, her legs folded beneath, reading a book titled _The Age of Innocence._ How fitting for this day. "Even Carson slightly warmed up to you."

I plopped down on the couch, resting an arm over my eyes. "I believe it was you that once said, 'I am just that good'."

When she didn't think I was looking, I watched her as her eyes scrolled from left to right, page after page. Every once in a while she would knit her eyebrows together, then a while later a small grin would sweep over her face. I had spent much time with humans since I had developed my acquaintance with Aragorn, but today was overwhelming. Five children was a load to a man who was in direct contact with a single child every few decades. One didn't see many immortal children.

And I still had a difficult time understanding the changes in Kelsie that had occurred in what she claimed as five years. It had definitely been five years; I could believe her just by going off her change in appearance. But the girl, yes, girl, I knew five years ago was so awkward, and lanky…and awkward. Kelsie was still awkward. She wasn't exactly graceful, but she carried herself with more of a self-understanding and confidence. At nineteen, it was unmistakable that she was a woman: a young one, but a woman nonetheless.

While I saw these changes as positive, there were some changes I still questioned. Her relentless insults were no doubt a product of the bitter household she had been raised in-her grandparents, to my knowledge, had never laid a finger on her, but physical abuse wasn't the only type there was. She didn't let it get to her though, and even I'm a big enough person to admit she had some rather witty comebacks.

She had also nearly maxed out her stress levels, which I held her schooling accountable for. Or perhaps it might even be my being here. …Nah. She can get over it. I need an escape from my reality too.

"So I'm a hero, huh?" I asked, startling her. She probably thought I had dozed.

"Don't let it go to your head, elf boy."

I lifted my arm just enough to get a full view of her. "Am I your hero?"

She smiled, not even turning to look at me. Her cheeks flushed slightly. "I guess."

I smiled and dropped my arm back down, letting myself get more comfortable to kick off a nap. "Good."

Liked it? Hated it? Tell me the truth! And it's true, the daycare kids adore LOTR, even if they are too young to understand them XD and Legolas is their favorite by a long shot. As a bit of forewarning, there will be times in this story where things take a more serious, as in the opposite of humor, turn, like Legolas' thoughts did slightly towards the end, but nothing is gonna go all out be a tear jerker or 'Woe is me, save me from myself, Legolas!'. Nah, just not my thing. I'll keep this more on the humorous side. Until next time my readers, I appreciate every one of you. Shoopdawhoop!


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